The Living Ghost

I am leaving Vox.  It seems dead and I don't think anyone really reads me anymore.  I am going back to Livejournal with a lot of caution and hesitation.  The address is http://shiva_blue.livejournal.com if you wish to add me over there.  I will keep this Vox open for awhile, but most likely will delete it at a later date.  Take care. 

I figured I would get in on this group thing and create a place for people to find new Voxers who want to add new neighbors and friends.  Not sure how this will work but I hope it will take off soon enough.  I know groups are fairly new.  So just letting everyone in the group and on Vox know that I have no problem if anyone finds my Vox interesting and wants to add me to their friends or neighbor list. 

Well I have a new personalized banner and now I can post photos and video from my new LG enV.  I love this cellphone.  I really do.  If anyone who is on my neighborhood or friend list wants my cell number for texting, please send me a private message and I would be happy to provide it. 

In a pretty good mood today actually.  Nothing bad seems to be happening lately except work is irritating me, but that is nothing new.  We have a manditory meeting to go to next Thursday because apparently someone pissed my boss off...oh well.  That is about it for now. 

I don't write or check this place as much as I used to.  Seems no one reads me except a few people, yet I have a ton on my neighborhood list.  That is a bit sad, but then again I don't keep this for anyone for myself.  I am not going back to Livejournal as Vox is much more pleasing to the eye.  Still, I wish the site would kick off a bit more but alas it has not.  I will stay though, but don't expect much from me in the way of entertainment.  I could go out looking for new readers, but I haven't done that in awhile, and when I search most people have just abandoned their Voxes. 

Went to the dentist again yesterday..they adjusted the bite on my root canal tooth and that helped a whole lot.  Also had 2 fillings done.  One more and my work will be complete.  Also my new cellphones came today but I was already at work so I will have to wait until tonight to activate them.  My husband called and told me they looked really awesome.  Too bad we don't have 2 vehicles anymore or I would have him drive them over here and I would activate them as I am the only one who can do it because the account is in my name. 

Not much left to say...I am still a pillhead, like anyone cares.  I now know the pain of real withdrawls and it isn't fun.  Jerry is gone, and though some have offered to take his place while he is gone for  3 weeks...I wouldn't wish that burden on anyone.  It takes real patience and guts to put up with me, and I will test anyone's faith to the max. 

Not much to say.  My friend Jerry is leaving for Florida so I won't get to hear from him for 3 weeks.  He is the only friend that really seems to care in my life right now and he will be gone.  He has turned into my pillar of strength and I will be lost without him.  My tooth is still killing me, and I got my hands on some Percocet and that is keeping me from going insane with pain.  I know I said I would stop all of it, but Sunday morning I was so shaky and cold that I passed out at work for about an hour with a warm blanket.  I don't know if I will ever be able to stop.  I am just going to shut the fuck up about it. 

The Wound

I have four of the "pills" left.  After I run out, I have somewhat of a plan.  I have about 4 Flexeril left which will help with the insomnia, and some codeine cough syrup as a last resort if the withdrawl gets too bad.  Otherwise I am determined to stop taking painkillers all together, except for the occasional over the counter Advil.  Now I am trying to save the last of my meds to slowly and gradually ween off, but I don't think that will kill the withdrawls.  It has been exactly one year since I have been on this numbing ride, and now it is time to get off before I lose everyone and everything.  However I don't know if I am strong enough.  I started all this because of the pain of a heart that wouldn't heal, and it still hasn't healed.  I have admitted to myself that I still want and love Matt, and that probably won't ever change, but I have started thinking of something or someone else when he pops into my head.  I want to remain his friend if I can, but that is up to him.  I have tried to behave in my emails with him and not mention anything that would drive him away, but it is hard to walk around on eggshells with people and I know he knows how I feel and nothing he can do can change that.  If he still wants to be in my life after that, then so be it.  I don't want to lose him but he thinks I am clean when I am not.  He knows I have tried off and on to get off this stuff and he knows it is because of what happened with us that drove me to become numb and do whatever it takes to stay that way. 

I have to do this on my own.  No one really knows about my problem and I want it to stay that way, so I can't check into rehab or something or I will lose everything.  I still can't believe I let myself get to be such a mess over someone I never even met face to face or touched, and I still don't understand any of it.  I drove myself insane over a man that doesn't even care about me...well he says he still cares about me but I don't know anymore.  He writes me once a month if I am lucky..has my number and doesn't even text or call me..hell I am getting an LG enV which has a keyboard because I text so much and I just wish I could hear his voice again or get a message from him but I never will again.  I will never see his face again.  Part of me wishes I had saved all the photos he sent me, but I didn't.  It isn't fair as he still gets to see me...he has this Vox address but I doubt he even looks at it.  If he did and saw all the stuff I wrote about him he probably would tell me to fuck off and I would never hear from him again.  I am tired of being in pain because of him and yet I can't let him go and it is driving me to more and more destruction and all I can do is write down how it is effecting me and then go back and read it and try to figure it all out and it is just a big fucking mess that I can't clean up.  I have to get a grip.  I have to realize I can't be a cyborg, I can't be numb, not unless someone does a labotomy on me or something.  I am human, as much as that hurts I have to feel, even if it hurts so bad I can't stand it.  I have thought so many times about how it would be just to swallow all the pills and end the misery...about what the point is of even going on when the one person I love so much wants nothing to do with me and the person I am with always chooses his mother over me and makes me wonder why I stay with him...maybe I am afraid of death.  Maybe part of me knows that there is nothing after the end...no heaven, no afterlife, no nothing.  We just stop existing.  That is my biggest fear and that is why I don't do it.  Ok...I fear death.  There, I admit it.  I want to believe we are reincarnated...in fact the deja vu and dreams I have of a past that isn't mine is almost proof but then again there is no proof.  So I continue on, and I have to do this.  I have to grab hold of my life before I lose it all and my fear of death isn't enough to stop me from termination. 

How did you meet your current, or most recent, significant other?

I met him in an MSN chatroom called Blind Date back in 1999 when I was 18 years old.  Wasn't even looking for anyone as I had vowed never to get married.  So much for that...we have been together for 7 years now, married for 5. 

The root canal tooth is hurting like hell.  I have 10 extrastrength Vicodin left, and I ended up taking 2 of them at once to get any relief.  If this continues when I go back Tuesday for another filling, I am going to ask for something stronger or tell him just to pull the damn thing.  This is ridiculous.  I even added Advil to try to help with swelling because the tissues are swollen but I don't have any swelling around the tooth or gum.  Maybe I just have very sensitive teeth.  Even sitting here high as a kite, it still hurts.  Yet I know the nerve is dead because it isn't sensitive to hot or cold anymore.  Just pressure.  Closing my teeth together or chewing crunchy stuff...I see red.  Haven't shed a tear over it yet though.  I might when I run out of Vicodin as I am determined to kick this habit and so 10 more is all I have left and that is all there will be forever hopefully.  I don't know though.  How many times have I told myself "this is the last" and then fell back off the wagon?  I mean I haven't even thought of Matt much today other than the fact I wanted to hear from him.  I think maybe I haven't thought about him because when I am numb on pain killers I don't have to think about my pain and so I don't think of him.  Now if I could just do that without pills I would be alright. 

My husband called me awhile ago and asked me to take him to work at 2am on the 18th.  I was like "what the hell" but I guess they can't find anyone to cover graveyard that night so him and another guy are going to split it.  I have to be at work at 930a that day so I am going to feel shitty for work.  I told him he owes me bigtime for this.  It is times like this where I wish we did have another vehicle but oh well. 

I wanted sex last night and he didn't want to give it to me.  We haven't done it in a few days now, which isn't like him.  I have been more than willing but he hasn't wanted it.  I guess I just need to start masturbating more and stop wondering why my husband isn't the horndog that most men are.  Not that all men are horndogs...damn I am going to hear about that generalization.  Anyway, I should just accept the fact that sex dies as the years go by in a marriage.  I didn't want it to happen to mine, and I have worked hard to make sure it doesn't, but I don't think there is much more I can do.  Maybe I just have a frigid husband.  Just my luck.  I wonder more and more what it is like to be with a man that loves sex and wants it constantly...I know I shouldn't think about such things but I do.  And I often wonder if I ever met one in person if I would have the strength to resist the temptation, and I really don't think I would.  In fact I have already been offered all the sex I desire by someone who lives close by my mother, and if I visit her again we might just meet up, but then I think about the consequences if we did.  What if I got pregnant...christ.  And could I handle the guilt?  And would it feel like cheating twice because of Matt...and do I want anyone else the way I wanted Matt?  Will I ever want anyone else the way I wanted Matt....it hurts to know I probably never will.  If I could be with him right now, I would let him take me and do whatever he wanted with me...anything he asked I would give...sex, perversion, sodomy, pain, blood, life, heart, soul, all of it.  And it hurts to know that I will never meet anyone that I could trust enough to want to give those things to ever again.  It hurts because I know it is my own fault that I can't let go. 

Not much going on to be honest...I am excited to get new cellphones as my contract is out next month.  We want the new enV phones by Verizon.  With my discounts it shouldn't cost that horribly much.  It has been very busy at work so I haven't had time to read or write much lately.  Have been doing Yahoo Answers like crazy...it is my new addiction.  I know, I am a loser.  Anyway, no letter from Matt today.  Paranoia kicks in and says "he hates you and will never write again" but I know that is a very irrational thought.  Still I haven't been thinking about him as much to be honest and that is a good thing.  That is about it for now.